My life is so different nowThis has been a year so full of changes it is hard for me to believe. I divorced my ex-husband a year ago and now live with my boyfriend in beautiful St. Petersburg, FL. The divorce was much needed and of course I care about my ex-husband and love him but the divorce was well over due. After 18 years of marriage, he is still my family. We have two beautiful kids together so its important to get along. Now with that said, he really doesn't talk to me and that saddens me. My son who is 17 years old lives with him and my daughter who is 18 years old was living with me up until a month ago. She joined the Army so she is now on her own journey.
Sometimes its hard to believe that my kids are grown up and that my life today is vastly different than my life two years ago. It feels like we are all separated and living our own lives now. I try to see my son as often as possible. I miss him so much and it is hard having him live away from me. And my daughter...….my beautiful princess is now in the Army. I miss her so dearly. There are days I just feel like crying. I get emotional at the weirdest times. Its no a bad emotional, its just a getting used to things being different. So currently, I am taking it slow and trying to figure out my next step in life. Focusing on my art and getting into a spiritual practice. I have been mediating using binaural beats and I am really enjoying the practice. I am also doing a lot of reading and journaling. I feel that I have to get my thoughts and idea on paper. I write, I doodle and I scribble intuitively allowing the marks to form intricate shapes and this really allows for clarity.
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It has been such a long time since I have posted anything. My life has changed so dramatically in the past 2 years that its hard to believe that this is my life.
Here is the update........ 1. In April 2018, I got fired from my treatment center job due to my anxiety. Yes, I got fired which is crazy cause I never thought I would actually get fired. The thing is that I thought I was doing a good job and although I was, the director thought that my anxiety was intense and that it affected my work. so....... I got into debt and couldn't pay some of my bills. It was honestly really scary but the good news is that I got a job at the VA (Veterans Affairs). 2. So the end of October 2018 I got a great job at the VA. This was amazing and I am so thankful. Also as a disabled veteran, the VA really works with employees that are veterans. 3. I GOT DIVORCED!!!!!!! Yes after 18 years with my ex husband I finally got a divorce. The thing is my ex husband was my first love and I really thought it would be a forever type of love. But I guess everything has an expiration date. I mean he is a good person but our love languages were different and eventually we just moved apart and grew in different directions. So yes, I am now officially divorced and it is both scary and wonderful at the same time. 4. I am in a new amazing Relationship. Yes I am IN LOVE. Crazy and scary. I met him at work and he is also a veteran. I love him so much but at the same time I am scared. I am scared of losing him or the relationship not working out. Sometimes I find myself holding really tight and trying to control things but I have to remember to surrender and just enjoy this relationship. I mean I hope it works out but if it doesn't I have to be okay with letting go. As most people, I am scared of having my heart broken. 5. I am now looking for a new apartment, organizing, getting rid of old things and making room for new things in life. I will definitely try to post more and keep this blog more active. I know that the new thing is instagram which by the way I LOVE!!!!!!! Instagram is the new blogs, But regardless I will keep writing here and even if no one reads it.......it will be a sort of journal for me. I have been starting to feel more positive and full of inspiration.These past few months have been difficult. First, I moved to Florida from Kansas in May and my husband got out of the Army. I had to adjust to a new place, my kids had to start new schools, and I had to search for a new job which was difficult. All these changes aggravated my already high level of anxiety and OCD. Around September, I started experiencing depression. I didn't even want to get out of bed. I felt unmotivated and uninspired. I wasn't even drawing or painting very much although I attempted to. In addition, the job that I obtained, I really did not like and I took many sick days and called out a few times in addition to leaving early several times a week. One day I told my boss that I felt extremely depressed and needed to go home (and he was very understanding which I am grateful for).
Then, I finally obtained a new job in November which I actually really enjoy and I feel like I am helping people. I also started taking Zoloft (which I have taken before for a year). And slowly the sun started coming out and I started to slowly start smiling and laughing, and feeling motivated and inspired. I am so grateful for this. Being depressed is such a hopeless feeling. I am so grateful that I am starting to feel better and I am painting and drawing again with passion and inspiration. I have been creating so much new art and I am truly excited about this!!!!!!! Some intuitive art that I have been creating while adjusting to living in Florida. Honestly art is just so therapeutic and such a joy to create, All these are available for purchase on my etsy store and of course you can contact me for any commissions or custom work. ![]() So I love Saturday mornings because I have reserved this time for creating art and listening to my favorite podcast, Art For You Ear by The Jealous Curator and drinking some delicious hot coffee. What can be better?
Remember when life was a bit simpler? I was going through some of the blogs and designs that were popular before 2007. You know, when the internet was way smaller and reading blogs was fun and more personal. Now blogs seem to look like magazines……. beautifully curated but lacking in the personal touches and the messiness. I was in my 20’s during decade 2000-2010 and I was in the process of discovering new things, new art, new ideas. I guess I am feeling nostalgic. Nostalgic for the 90’s and the 2000’s. When social media wasn’t a thing and we still had to meet up to talk with friends. I mean don’t get me wrong, there are a lot of really great things now and of course social media has allowed me to stay in touch and rediscover old friends but I guess I am missing the simpler times.
I don’t know……..I guess I am tired of the fast paced life we live now. I miss discovering new ideas and being so inspired. I miss just going out with friends and not having a phone. I guess I don’t really have to have a phone now either but society has changed…….it is how everyone stays connected. Even jobs require a phone now. The point I am trying to make is that I feel like life is way too fast paced now and I am trying to slow down. I am trying to really find out what is important to me and what makes me happy. What is it that makes me happy? I am trying to simplify. I am trying to connect more on a personal level to others. I want to journal more, and take long walks in gardens, sit on a bench in a botanical garden and just sketch and admire the beauty around. I want to take a walk in the woods or hike up a mountain. I want to breathe fresh air and feel the beauty around me. So yes, I am really having an introspective moment. Lately I have been examining life and what it is that I want out of life. I want to surround myself with love and harmony and peace. Having recently moved to Florida, I find that I am examining what makes me smile and gives me happiness. The move has been stressful and I think that this stress has allowed me to start thinking more about what the meaning of life is and what it means to be happy. I am not gonna lie, as beautiful as Florida is, I don’t think this is the place for me. It's quite shocking. I have always thought I would love to live next to a beach and be around palm trees and now I am living near a beach with plenty of palm trees and I am not feeling satisfied. I still love the beach and palm trees but what I am finding is that I need a little more nature in my life and a little more calmness. The area I have moved to is very populated and busy and I am realizing that I need to live somewhere a little less busy. Maybe somewhere with a mountain but still close to a beach. A place with lots of trees and quaint little mom and pop shops. I cherish the unique. A place where, I can walk down the street and not feel afraid. A place full of magical gardens and flowers and foliage. Does this place exist? I think so and now I got to find it. Another aspect of life I am realizing is that I really need to either be working on my creative business full time or working on my business and having a job but a job I really really enjoy. I just can’t do anything I am not passionate about. It literally hurts me. I don’t need to be super rich or fancy, I just need to make enough from my art and my cool awesome day job to be able to live a comfortable life and be able to support myself and my children. Yes, I ultimately want to be a full-time artist and that is the goal I am working on but I do not mind working a job in addition to my art business. I just need the job to be fun and creative and inspiring. Seriously life is too short to be bored and unhappy. So yes this is a long post and I am a little all over the place but you know I just had to write this down. I had to share this on my blog (does anyone even read blogs anymore?). Hopefully I inspire someone out there that is feeling similar to what I am feeling. You know I get scared a lot. I am afraid sometimes of what people may think of me Online. It’s so crazy and weird because in person I don’t really care but online I am much more timid. Although I am an introvert I am more so on the internet. Maybe it’s the idea that my thoughts will be on this form of media for years. Or maybe I am afraid that I will be judged and people won’t like me or like my art. I am not really sure, but tonight as I sit on the blow up mattress at my dad’s house in hot and humid Florida, I have decided that I want to write and to share. Online is the new platform and it has been for a while and now I am going to embrace it. I am ready………….
So why the change? Well honestly I want to express myself. I want to connect with other like-minded people. I want to be honest. I want to spread inspiration to others through my art as well as my writing. No pretenses here. The world has become too fancy. You know…….Like everything has to be perfect. Instagrm has to be perfect. There is even classes now on how to monetize your social media accounts and how to make them visually attractive for followers. And yes I get it. I mean I love to be visually inspired. Heck I am an artist and visual is my language but I like imperfection. I like run on sentences from a writer that writes with excitement as if trying to finish a sentence while catching their breath. I like imperfect pages in physical books, I like when artists make mistakes and don’t cover it up. I guess I find perfection in the imperfection. I am in transition now and the anxiety and stress has kind of awakened a new desire to live life even more creatively and to inspire as many people as possible. So I am starting to plan and focus more on what I want to achieve as an artist. But in the meantime here is what’s happening in my life right now. My husband is getting out of the military after 4 years in service. So now we will both be veterans. Anyways, my dad and stepmom moved to the Tampa bay region in Florida a few years ago from NJ (we are all from NJ). So, I talked my husband into relocating to Florida instead of NJ. He agreed. So about a week ago, I came down to Florida by myself and I am now staying at my dad’s and looking for jobs. My husband and the kids are still on the military post in the mid-west and will come down to Florida in about a month. That is a lot of pressure!!!!! It is crazy how expensive everything is and how earnings and cost of living just do not match up. I quit my job as an Army Civilian with the hopes that I could find a federal job here in Florida. Well again that has not been too easy either. I finished my Masters in Public Health a few months ago and am trying to obtain a job in the field but you know employers always get you with the experience requirement. I mean seriously how does one even get experience? Doesn’t someone have to actually hire me so that I can get experience in the field of Public Health? Of course my dream is to be a full time Artist but in the mean time I got a family to support so job hunting it is for now. Now I don’t want to sound negative or anything. Yes it has been hard to transition to a new location and have to start all over but I am keeping a positive outlook. I got my affirmations, and meditations and a few manifestation books ready. I also do pray and I am hoping that somehow everything will work out. So I mean between God, my Angel guides, Spirit Guides, Guides, and helpful people in my life I am thinking things will be ok. Hoping the next post will have an amazing update. In the meantime I am gonna keep creating art, listening to cool and fun podcasts, being brave, knowing that I am amazing and CAN get an awesome job that also pays well and being positive. Love and Happiness Until next time!!!!!! Oh and here some art that I have created while in Florida. Well, it has been somewhat chaotic here with all the moving boxes and transitioning to a new location. It's been fun being in Kansas and I have grown a tremendous amount while residing here both as an artist and personally. Hopefully the transition and the move will go smoothly and my family and I can get settled in our new home.
In the meantime, I have been creating lots of abstract patterns for the #100dayproject on Instagram. You can check out some of my art via the hashtag #100daysofabstractpattern or you can just click on my Instagram page. My patterns haven't been really cohesive but rather loose and intuitive. There have been quite a few floral patterns that have made their way into my 100 day collection. Anyway, hopefully by the time I write my new post I should be at my new location and settling in. It will definitely take some adjusting but I think the new move will be a welcome change. I have always been very interested in death. My mom was a very spiritual person and was very open minded to other realities, the afterlife, and synchronicities. She transitioned from this world and to the next at the age of 27. I was 10 at the time and my life changed forever. I have been very interested in exploring the meaning of life, the universe, and many levels of consciousness. Through some of my own experience and feelings and reading hundreds of books, I feel like I am discovering more each day and constantly increasing awareness. William Buhlman, an author on out of body experience, has some amazing thoughts on life and the different stages of consciousness. We are multidimensional beings that exist on many levels of reality. The body is just a vehicle that we use to have a physical experience. Upon death our consciousness shifts into a different realty, the next level. We have many energy bodies for different levels of reality. These different “bodies” are vehicles for our consciousness. Life, the world, the multiverse are complex and there is so much more!
On art and trying to be like other artists. First, there is nothing wrong with finding inspiration in other artists ‘art. I love to look at art and find tremendous inspiration. I also learn a lot from other artists in terms of technique, color combination, and design elements. The important thing to keep in mind is that we are all unique. Just like our DNA, we all have our own signature style. It is easy to look at art and think, “oh this artist is amazing and I need to create like them.” These last 3 weeks have been difficult for me. Not only have I had some extra stress due to planning a move, I have been in a creative slump which has now passed but will most likely occur again. During this slump, I tried a few different painting techniques that were inspired by other artist and I just didn’t feel good about it. I wasn’t copying or anything like that but I was using some of their style to try different techniques. This is okay to do when you are learning and exploring but always keep in mind that you are unique and your art will be unique to you. During this period I did not really like what I was creating. It just wasn’t me and it wasn’t fun. What I learned is that it is okay to appreciate and love other art but don’t try to change your style. Your style will naturally change over time but there always be a unique signature style that is yours. So remember, just be you! And in other news, I am getting ready to move in a few months. My husband is getting out of the military and we are thinking about moving to Florida. I am excited about this but also scared. I have to find a job, find an apartment, and find a good school system for my children. And then there is looking at our savings and making sure we have enough money. In addition, moving can be exhausting. So there are days where I feel super tired and just plain unmotivated. Really hoping for a smooth transition! |
Let's TalkWelcome to the Let's Talk section of my website. This will be the section where interviews, discussions, and sharing will take place. We can think of this place as a private cafe on the moon. Archives
July 2020
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